Art Fag: You’re Not Real but I Love You Anyway…
By Karley Sciortino of Slutever
Everyone knows how it feels to fall for someone who doesn’t actually exist, whether it’s a character in a film, or the hero in your favorite a novel, or even the occasional cartoon (as IF you don’t want to bone Trent from Daria). I’ve always had a thing for fictional guys, and have spent the majority of my life lusting not after actors, but rather the characters they play. I don’t want Johnny Depp; I want Edward Scissorhands. I don’t want Matt Dillon; I want the drugstore cowboy. I don’t want Leonardo DiCaprio; I want the retarded kid out of What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. It’s a massive mind fuck.
In light of this ongoing delusion, I’ve made a list of the top five film characters whom I most adore. They are as follows, in no particular order. (I thought long and hard about this by the way.)
1. Hallam, Hallam Foe
Psychos are hot. Freaks are hot. Fuck-ups are hot. Hallam is all of the above. Hallam is a teenage loner who essentially wants to fuck his mother. When his mother dies, he then diverts his attention to courting (or more like stalking) a look-a-like. Serious Oedipus complex. A complete freak, he spends the majority of his time lost in his own alternate reality, painting himself in his dead mother’s lipstick and trying to kill his step mom (who he later ends up fucking?). He’s like the ultimate lost soul, and in my book, demented equals desirable. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of disaster, self-destruction, sexual violence, etc, so Hallam is essentially my dream man.
2. Jimmy, Quadrophenia
Let’s be honest, Mod really is the sexiest of all fashions—so precise, so painfully cool. Jimmy is basically the ultimate Mod, from his tailored suits to his blind arrogance to his impeccable music taste. Not to mention Jimmy’s body is near perfect—washed out, gangly, scarecrow-like. Plus he’s got that classic British wonk face that I just can’t get enough of. I’m even into his slight drug dependency. I love a mess.
3. Mike, My Own Private Idaho
Uhhh… he’s a scarily beautiful gay junkie prostitute with narcolepsy. Need I say more?
4. Jamal, Slumdog Millionaire
Everyone is a sucker for a true romantic. Jamal is the ultimate romantic, devoting his entire life to chasing after his one true love. Super cheesy but whatever. Just looking at him makes me feel dizzy. Plus, I’ve recently developed a thing for Indians—both boys and girls. They’re fucking hot. I’d wear him like a scrunchy.
5. Theo, The Dreamers
I don’t think I really have to explain my physical attraction to Theo, but I’ll do it anyway. That god-like bone structure, those pouty lips, those dark brown curls, that statuesque figure—he’s like a fake person, carved out of stone. The guy is so beautiful it should be illegal. Plus his French accent is hot, and the way he moodily smokes his cigarettes is a serious turn on. So dark and mysterious. And then there’s all the stuff about him being a total fucking sadist… and part gay… and sexually attracted to his sister. Incest is so hot right now.
Art Fag: Top 10 YUMMIEST Guy-on-Guy Film Moments
By Karley Sciortino from Slutever
Recently, while flying from Toronto to London, I watched A Single Man—that homo Tom Ford film starring Colin Firth and the hot kid from Skins. I wasn’t expecting the movie to be so sexy, but fuck… the scene where they both get naked and frolic about in the sea gave me such a massive boner, I had to cover up with the in-flight magazine. So embarrassing. This unexpectedly sexy bit of gay cinema got me thinking about other memorable boy-on-boy film moments. I’ve made a list of my personal top ten. This is the real deal. None of that quasi-gay, Brokeback Mountain Hollywood bullshit. Here they are in no particular order. I recommend you jerk-off while reading this.
1. Les Chansons D’amour (2007): Louis Garell’s Gay Sex Scene
This is a French film where Louis Garell falls in love with a chick and then she dies, after which he becomes gay and the movie starts getting good. The gay sex scene is by far the best bit. Les Chansons D’amour is actually a musical, so they randomly bust out into song during sex, which admittedly is a bit weird. But seriously, Louis Garell is so stupidly hot the cheesy singing can easily be overlooked.
2. Twilight (2008): Robert Pattinson Smashing Into Another Dude During A Vampire Baseball Game
Twilight is basically the gayest film ever made. I particularly like this moment—it just feels so real.
3. Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001): Threesome Scene
Being involved in a threesome situation with Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna is my ultimate fantasy. The best part about the gay moment in this film is that you don’t expect it. You’re just casually watching, lost in their hotness, and then WHAM! They’re making out.
4. Milk (2008): The Scene Where They Eat Cake In Bed 
I’m sorry, but I think Sean Penn is super hot. Do other people? I can’t work it out. I think I’m just into people who look like birds. The scene in Milk where he and James Franco eat cake and kiss in bed is so sweet. Ugh… sometimes I seriously wish I was a gay man. Have I made that obvious enough yet?? 
5. Stupid Junkie Faggot (2006): Bunny Sucking Some Guy’s Dick 
Back when my housemate Bunny was an edgy film student he starred in the student film Stupid Junkie Faggot. You can pretty much grasp the film’s concept by the name. The best bit is when Bunny repeatedly screams, “I need some fucking heroin!” followed by him briefly attempting to suck his boyfriends flaccid dick. However, the guy is so junked-out that he fails to get hard, at which point Bunny gives up and stabs him repeatedly in the chest with a scissor. Hot!
6. Mysterious Skin (2004): Car Kiss 
Mysterious Skin is about a little boy who gets abused by his baseball coach, resulting in him developing loads of “issues.” Eventually said little boy grows up to be the kid out of Third Rock From The Sun (except super hot). Then he starts getting with his equally attractive, male childhood friend. You follow? The scene where the two boys kiss in the car always makes me wet. Eww, look at Michelle Trachtenberg’s head.
7. My Own Private Idaho (1991): The Whole Movie 
You don’t really get hotter than a gay, narcoleptic, junkie prostitute. It’s like the holy grail of hot. My Own Private Idaho is a road movie by Gus Van Sant about two male hustlers, Mike (River Phoenix) and Scott (Keanu Reeves). The whole film is masturbation material.
8. Titanic (1997): Leonardo DiCaprio Fucking A Tranny
This is way hot, but fuck those tranny’s hands are huge. Leonardo DiCaprio is so obvs gay.
9. My Beautiful Laundrette (1985): Johnny Licks Omar’s Neck 
My Beautiful Laundrette is cool because it’s a film about a gay relationship that doesn’t make homosexuality the point of the film’s conflict. This was pretty significant when it came out in the mid 80’s. Set within the Asian community in London during the Thatcher years, the love between Johnny and Omar is offered as the one thing that’s simple and good amid issues of race and class. The hottest bit is when a sweaty Johnny lick’s his lover’s neck. 
I want you 80′s Daniel Day Lewis.
10. Wild Tigers I Have Known (2006): My Heart Melts… 
Wild Tigers I Have Known tells the story of a thirteen-year boy named Logan, who enters into a gay relationship with an older boy, Rodeo. It’s more amazing and beautiful than it is sexy, but it’s still very worth seeing. Watch this trailer and tell me this isn’t already your favorite movie, even though you’ve probably never seen it.